I’m sorry I disappeared for two weeks without saying anything. I feel like a little girl who ran away from home and is now coming back with her head bowed low, hoping no one noticed. But a lot of you did notice, and I’m thankful for those of you who messaged checking I was still alive and kicking.
I think I ran out of fuel. It was as if I was in the car, ready to go but I had no fuel to move. I wanted to sit down and write but I couldn’t, I had nothing to say and no motivation to come up with anything. This wasn’t like my usual monthly creative-slump. This was different. There was a part of me that actually resented my blog. I was angry that I had started it, and disappointed in myself for feeling that way.
I have mentioned it a few times in my posts, but I used to journal daily. I used to write prayers to God in my notebook, and whenever I read a verse in the bible that I felt was speaking to me I’d write that down too. Over time that became my thing. I would pour my heart out to God every day, praying for big miracles in my life. The one miracle I was particularly praying for was my future husband.
And God responded to that, much to my amazement. He promised me a Godly husband – someone who loved and served God with all of his heart. I’m not going write it all out exactly, (I’m saving that for another day, hehe) but it was amazing. It was the first time I had truly, truly, truly encountered Him.
And then when His promise came true and I met Bradley, my heart was so filled with faith that it could burst. I was so in awe and blinded with wonder for God and what He had done.
I knew that Bradley was a gift sent from God, because God had promised him to me and I had waited two years until those promises came to pass.
It was the waiting that made God’s gift even more wonderful.
When I started writing my blog in January, I felt a similar promise from God. I knew that I had to persevere with this, and in the meantime God would provide. And since then that is exactly what I have been doing.
But every month it gets harder. It’s hard sitting down and thinking of something new to write. It’s even harder when you have friends who don’t understand what you’re doing. And it’s hardest when you lose faith in God’s promise.
And that’s what happened these past few weeks – I lost faith in my calling. I got tired of persevering, and I got frustrated whenever people questioned what my end goal was. I have no end goal! God has my end goal and annoyingly He’s pretty good at keeping secrets so I have no clue what my end goal is.
I recently started to write in my journal again, and I expressed to God how frustrated I am. And I just felt Him say “you need to refuel every day”. God likes to speak in puzzles, sometimes. I would have preferred a “Mieke you’re the bomb dot com, I love what you write and here is a yearly income and a house and ooh here’s a bonus lump sum for your wedding”.
But I knew what He meant when He said I needed to refuel every day.
And I have been doing exactly that for the past week. I intend on sharing that with you (I seem to share everything else with you so why not). But I really need you all to bare with me. Blog posts for December may be slightly on and off, but I promise it will be worth it!
For the month of January, I will be doing a Daily Devotional on my blog every morning. I’m not going to say much more because I’m still tweaking the finer details. I’m praying my little heart out that it’s going to change not just my world but yours too. We’re embarking on a new little journey together and I’m excited to see where it takes us.
If you feel so inclined, please pray for me as I prepare for this! I have written 3 days worth so far and it’s much more difficult than I had anticipated. But God is strong in my weakness right?
PS. it’s so, so good to be back.