The only reason why I’m forcing myself to sit down and write this blog post is because I know that this is something I should have read years and years ago. I wish that there was a post like this floating around for 16 year-old Mieke who was totally confused and to be honest, scared about all things boys.
When is the right time to have sex in a relationship?
This is a really hard question to answer, so bear with me as I explain my feelings on this one.
During my time at university, almost all of my girl friends were in serious, long-term relationships. At the time I hated it because it always meant that I was the third (or worse, fifth) wheel to everything. But now looking back, I learned a lot from just being a witness to their relationships. As well as this I had plenty of friendships with boys, which opened my eyes to their way of thinking and their opinions on sex compared to girls.
Over the years I’ve come to see relationships in the form of a triangle, split into three different parts.
(Due to me being totally useless in graphic designing, I’ve had to resort to showing you what I mean through a photo of my trusty little notepad)
The bottom part of the triangle is the foundation – what is the relationship based on? For mine and Bradley’s relationship it’s Jesus. He’s the foundation that we both build our lives upon, as well as our relationship together. We believe in the same thing and we both have the same goals and visions in life.
The next part of the triangle is Friendship and Love. This basically speaks for itself – are you in love? How do you support each other? Do trust each other? Are you faithful? Do you care for each other? Are you both present in the relationship? Are you open and honest? How do you handle disagreements or arguments? Etc.
The last part (the tip at the end) of the triangle is sex. Sex is important in a marriage – it’s the unity of two people, a way of showing their love for each other phsyically as well as emotionally. It’s very important but at the same time it’s not what the entire relationship is based on. If sex is the foundation, your triangle is upside down, meaning that it can lose balance and fall down easily.
If I’m totally honest, I do believe that having sex too early on can sometimes be detrimental to a relationship. It adds a lot of unnecessary pressure to a new relationship. As well as this it can easily become the foundation of your relationship without you even meaning it to.
As time goes on and the attraction/lust fades, what is left? A messy and tired relationship with little direction.
In order for a relationship to be really strong and durable, you need a rock solid foundation paired with an amazing friendship filled with nothing but love and adoration for each other. When the tough times come, it will make it so much easier to stand strong together. You will trust each other, you will support each other and you will most importantly love each other through thick and thin.
Going into my relationship with Bradley, I had already decided that I didn’t want to have sex until marriage. To be totally honest, I didn’t make that decision based on Christian values at the time. I wanted to know that he respected me. I didn’t want to give all of myself away to him, only for him to just change his mind a few months down the line and walk away.
Girls whether you like it or not, we are more likely to get emotionally attached to a boy through sex. We find it more of an emotional experience than boys do. Because of this, you need to be so careful of who you allow yourself to. Don’t mess with your emotions just to please or feel loved by a boy. Wait for the right one and the right time.
Thankfully, Bradley had already made the decision himself that he didn’t want to have sex before marriage before I even got the chance to mention it to him. It was the biggest relief knowing that he wanted the same thing that I wanted without me having to convince or persuade him. I love that he values sex and that he honours marriage the way that God intended marriage to be honoured. It makes me love him more and it makes me trust him with all my heart. I know that he’s serious about our relationship and where it’s heading.
Is it difficult to not have sex? In a way, yes – just because I’m waiting until I marry Bradley, doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to him now. But mainly no, it’s not that difficult – due to the fact that it’s a joint decision that we’re both fully committed to, we don’t even really consider it. It does make the prospect of getting married and living with each other one day so much more fun (for me anyway, hehe).
Sex is important definitely, but I believe that the waiting is more important. Especially in today’s society where sex has become an every day, casual thing that has lost its value. Don’t be afraid to wait.